Somebody Tried to Steal Me
Published by Gar-V
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
At approximately 10:15 this morning, soon after a relaxing hour spent learning the intricacies of "poor girls" porn, I discovered that I too had become a victim of the all-too-famous phenomenon known as ... Identity Theft (for those who play cymbals, please crash them now). Sure enough, someone out there made the decision that they really liked my name and, especially, debit card, and yesterday afternoon they began to make use of both of these. As it is part of my morning Jew routine (Jew-tine, if you will) to check my bank balance and cackle with glee over my hoarded wealth, I saw that I was being charged a sizable amount from a nationwide retailer of car stereos and accessories. As I am prone to forgetting rather lengthy periods of time, I had to think hard for an instance where I had made such a charge. After much deliberation, I reasoned that I would not have EVER purchased an accessory of any kind for my vehicle (Exhibit A - Price of a new tag light on car = $3.99 to 5.99. My alternative = leave broken tag light in place for over 2 years.) So, over the next hour, I canceled the order with the retailer, closed my account at the bank, and attempted to contact local law enforcement.
The day continued much as you would expect and I soon found myself bound with twenty yards of rope to the outside of the utility shed (thank you Mistress). My thoughts wandered and I was soon thinking of the upcoming tax season. With some quick mental math I determined that I will be forced to pay the federal government over one hundred times as much money as was stolen from my checking account. I don't want to do it. When I was in trouble when my debit card was stolen, I had someone to call (local authorities). When I have the federal government stealing money from me, who can I call on to help? It's too late to avoid the disaster coming this April 15th, but I've made the decision that as a big "fuck you" to the IRS, I will earn no money in 2008 and therefore have zero taxable income. Anybody with me?